Frustrated, to say the least...

I'm back for more of my on again off again blog posting. I apologize for not being a faithful blogger.  I must admit, I'm feeling a little frustrated these days.  This whole submission to my wife things just isn't working out.  I think for one thing, it's life in general--trying to raise a family, working in a very stressful and demanding job, other family issues--the list goes on and on.  But I know a few things for sure:

1.  I want to submit to my wife.

2.  I want her to accept my submission.

3.  I want it to be outside and inside the bedroom.

In the past, we would have spurts of me submitting to her and her controlling when I had any sexual pleasure.  I even wore a CB3000 for a while.  But we eventually got rid of it and most of our other toys.  We did keep a few things but never have time or opportunity to use them.

What I think I can do at this point is practice stealth submission.  The problem is, I keep forgetting to do it.  I need to work harder on that.  Also, I may ask my wife to control my orgasms again even if we do it on the honor system, which we've done before.  I've noticed the more sexually frustrated I am the more likely I am to practice submission--stealth submission or not.

I don't know but I'm going to keep trying.  Life's too short for anything else.

Oh, and I'll try to be more faithful to post to this blog more often.

Too Long Between Posts

Yes, I realize I haven't posted since February. In fact, one person at least noticed and asked the question... Well, here it is, a new post. 

First of all, this Her Slave for Life thing just isn't working out. One of us is just too not into it. But that's okay I suppose. And thanks to one reader for stating the obvious...I'm no slave.

I'd like to be. I would definitely be if things worked out that way. But my wife just doesn't seem to appreciate what I'm willing to offer. Or, maybe I'm just an idiot who doesn't know what he wants.

I'll admit, life has been busy for both of us. I work my ass off so she can stay home with the children. I got a new boss at work who came in with the idea we weren't working hard enough...it's been like drinking from a firehose. 

Perhaps my working hard and long hours to provide for what she definitely wants to be able to do -- to stay home, is in itself a form of submission on my part. I would like to think it is. I also think being home with the children all day everyday probably takes it out of her as well. But when I ask her what she needs me to do she doesn't really give me much to go on. So, I just flounder. Perhaps one day I will get the hang of this...or go nuts.

A Year Since My Last Post

Call me a procrastinator. But I haven't updated this blog since last February (2012). Oh, I've meant to but life has gotten in the way. But I feel like I need to blog, to get my thoughts down on cyber-paper (did I just coin that word?). Anyway, here's an update on my journey on becoming my wife's slave. 

First of all, I've been an utter failure. It seems life and family responsibilities and perhaps my own laziness and misguided fantasy has resulted in me being unable to follow through on my desire to be my wife's slave. It seems my mind focuses entirely too much on the sexual aspect -- that is, how I would like things to be rather than focusing on my wife as a whole person. I have a lot of work to do. Any suggestions?

Secondly, I've been extremely busy with work. I've been away from my wife and family for several weeks because of work and will continue to be separated from them for a few more weeks. I have had a few opportunities for some weekend visits, which has been nice. Things should get back to some semblance of normalcy in March at which time I can refocus on my journey.  

Thirdly, I've been wondering if my use of the word 'slave' is too extreme here. Perhaps what I really desire is to be submissive to my wife. But I do like the word slave as it captures more of what my desires are in this--to truly be surrendered to her control in all aspects of our relationship. I think part of the challenge here for me has been I think she finds all this more amusing than something that can actually be a reality for us. Sometimes I wonder is she's just entertaining me. This raises another issue for me--do I have to be entertained? That is to say, am I doing this for her or for me? If I truly desire slavery to her then does what I think, desire, want, etc., really matter? I don't think so. And I believe this is where I want to be and realize it will take a huge amount of work and dedication on my part.

Fourthly, I haven't kept up with my fitness and nutrition goals listed to the side. No surprise there. I need to refocus there as well. I've got to tie it all in with my desire to please and be pleasing to my wife.

Fifthly, I haven't been locked up in a long time. I realize when I have been locked it has been more of a request that she keep me locked, one which she has accommodated almost every time I've requested it. I'm sure there will be times like that again. But she also suggested in times past that I be on the honor system and only orgasm when she allows. I need to work on this. My recent release was my own doing. I should be ashamed. I think I am.

I will see her this weekend. I have already told her how much I am looking forward to seeing her. I think I'll drop a hint or two as to how horny I am for her and that if she so desires, she can use that to her advantage :-) I truly am evil!

I came across this picture on another blog. I think it captures some of what I need to focus on. Notice there's very little here about sex.  The last point reminds me that it's not about sex or the fulfillment of my sexual fantasies but about serving her. 

I think I'd like to re-work this somewhat with a new title such as "How to Serve Your Wife," or something along those lines and also reword some of the statements--perhaps a list of rules for me to focus on and follow.

Maybe I should re-read "Worshipping Your Wife" and also its companion piece, "Worshipping Your Wife 2." The first one really was a good read and I suspect the 2nd one will be as well. But right now, I'm swamp with work. But things will improve soon--I hope! 

Anyway, that's my update -- 1 year later. Any of my faithful or new readers are welcome to comment and offer suggestions. I'd be really interested in hearing from husbands in the same boat as me.  What are you doing? What changes have you made? How have you overcome your fantasy for reality? What rules do you follow? Are they written or mostly in your head? Inquiring minds want to know--namely, mine. 

Ruined Release

Thursday night my wife granted me a release--sort of. The end result was a ruined orgasm which means although I had the opportunity to release, the built up hormones and desire to submit to her remained. I suppose this is a good thing because so far as chastity stages go, perhaps I am still in chastity nirvana? Or maybe it means I'll get back there pretty quickly. We shall see.

In other news, life, as always, remains hectic and now we have some additional stressors to deal with. So don't be surprised if I don't get to post as often as I'd like to. But that doesn't mean I'm not continuing to strive to submit to my wife! I'll post when I can.

Locked & Denied

Today marks day 17 since my last orgasm. I know, some of you are probably thinking, "17 days, hell, that's nothing." You are right. But for me, it is something. I don't know but it might be the longest I've gone, at least in a long while. That being said, I've been locked in my CB3000 for most of this time. One of the guide pins broke but I was able to make another pin out of a plastic anchor. We've also acquired a Birdlocked Neo as a replacement. But since I fixed the other there's been no need to try the Birdlocked out. So it'll just sit in the box as a back up for the time being. I prefer the hard plastic cage anyway as it insures I won't be able to get any stimulation or touch while wearing it. That being said, I know I said this blog is not all about sex but sex is all I can think of lately. It seems I've become very horny in the last few days but have been unable to do anything about due to the cage and my wife having control over when, if ever, I get to enjoy a little pleasure of my own. Additionally, there hasn't been much by way of tease and denial lately due to work responsibilities, home responsibilities, other concerns, and the fact we've both been fairly tired lately and just want to go to sleep when we get in bed. But last night she released me from the cage and I thought for sure I'd be able to manipulate an orgasm out of her. But, as luck would have it, I was wrong--dead wrong. She played with me a little bit and then told me goodnight. She did let me stay out overnight but this morning I was expected to lock it back up before leaving the house--which I dutifully did after showering. So here I sit, locked and denied again--but aching for some pleasure of my own. But it is not to be, not now anyway. My focus must remain on her and her needs. I need to work hard at refocussing, as being the man I am sometimes all I can think about is me--something that there is no place for when one aspires to be his wife's slave. Maybe I've reached chastity nirvana.

Chastity nirvana has been defined by one blogger as that stage of chastity whereby the one in chastity experiences a "Zen-like feeling of being locked up accompanied by a desire to be locked up. During this phase a man can't imagine being any other way and in fact, gets anxious at the thought of not being locked up." I say perhaps I've reached this stage because even though part of me wanted to manipulate my way to an orgasm last night I'm glad my wife didn't give in to my shenanigans but instead kept me denied. And I'm definitely thankful to be back in the cage today. This is good, because even though part of me desires my own release I really want to focus my attention on my wife and her pleasure, her needs, her wants, her desires--everything her! I want to do more around the house. I want to get some of the things done she wants me to get done. I want to do these things because they are things she wants done. And I definitely want to have my face where it should be--between her legs bringing her one intense orgasm after another. 

So the question I don't know the answer to nor do I need to know the answer to is, "When will she release me and allow me an orgasm?" As we have grown in our experience of F/m enforced chastity, which she often calls, "The Game," we have both agreed that it is not necessary for me to know the answer to that question, even though I might want to know it badly. Such uncertainty insures on some level that I keep my desires at bay and her needs at the top of the list. In the chastity cycle this is called by some, "The Home Stretch." Again, one blogger defines the home stretch as the sense that some men have as to when they are going to be released. I'm not sure I'm in the home stretch or ever will be as I simply have no idea when she might release me--I can only hope. But there's always this internal struggle going on inside me to want to be release yet wanting to be denied. Perhaps this struggle is because I know that once release comes for me my desire to serve my wife plummets dramatically. This may also be part of my desire to see just how long this chastity routine can be pushed. Subservient-Husband recently posted on his blog his request to his wife to keep him in chastity for a year. My assumption here based on his post is that he won't be experiencing any orgasms for himself until this year long sentence is completed. I wish him the very best. I'm not sure if I'd ever make it that long and I'm not all that sure my wife would grant me such a request. But, here I am at day 17. We'll see how many more days my present sentence lasts. 

Helps for Getting Organized, De-cluttered, etc.

I've been giving a lot of thought to and doing a lot of research on how to get organized, de-clutter, get rid of crap we don't need, etc. My wife has told me on more than one occasion that her life would be a lot less stressful if there was a lot less "stuff" around and if the house was kept in some state of cleanliness and organization on an ongoing basis. Now don't get me wrong, our house is not a wreck by any stretch of the imagination. I mean, after all, in my male mind, it looks fine. But she'd like to see it clean and organized from her female mind perspective. And, when you have chosen to submit to her loving authority, when you have chosen to worship your wife and strive to meet her needs, then you want your house to be clean and organized according to her perspective. With that in mind, I've been walking around our house taking it all in. One things I've decided is there is a lot of stuff I (and we) aren't using. But yet we hold on to it, we keep moving it with us, for some reason we just can't part with it, be it stuff, clothes, books, etc. There's also a lot of paperwork--mostly mine--that for some strange reason I'm still holding onto when what I ought to do is shred it and be done with it!

One thing that helps me is seeing things on lists--think checklist. Checklists (or to-do-lists) give me a point of reference, something to keep coming back to in order to check myself out, to see if I'm accomplishing what really matters. That's one reason I've asked my wife for a to-do-list, which she has graciously given. I'm sure she'll add to it as she sees fit. She also gives me a grocery list each time I need to make a grocery run. She also makes lists for other errands she expects me to do for her and our household in general. With that in mind, I've been thinking of how best to develop a checklist for me to insure I get everything done I need to get done, that she wants me to get done, etc. One site I've stumbled across recently that has tons of helpful info, including checklist (you'll have to do a search b/c this site has everything from recipes to getting organized, etc., is Domestic Servitude. If you are a submissive husband serving or desiring to serve your wife, this site is a great place to start. I'm sure I'll be spending lots of time on it as I seek to hone my servitude.

Another helpful site I've discovered lately is ZenHabits. Now, I'm not "Zen" in the least. But this site has some helpful tips for the submissive or slave husband. Here's one such example--15 Great Decluttering Tips. I need all the help I can get as I tackle the clutter around here. So with my checklist in hand and the tips from all the aforementioned websites/blogs, I'll be ready to serve and please my wife by doing things for her that she has requested and will definitely appreciate. And I'll benefit too--eventually--when she lets me out of this blasted chastity cage...but until then, my focus is where it should be--upon her and her needs/wants/desires...

Daily Challenges--Trying to Figure it All Out

I've spent a lot of time thinking about ways to organize my life in order to better serve my wife. I've taken on some of the chores even though she hasn't necessarily assigned them to me. I've asked her on more than one occasion to let me know what I can do for her in order to make her life easier.  For years, even before realizing my need to submit to her, I have done things like grocery shopping. But it has only been in the last several months that I've come to see this as an act of submission to my my wife. She hates grocery shopping so I'm glad I can do this for her. I try to be thrifty with my shopping and always try to stick to the list, although she has never fussed at me or otherwise admonished me for straying from the list. I also try to take our child with me as often as possible just to give her a break.

I did so today and returned to discover she had vacuumed the entire house. I've often wondered why she just doesn't tell me to do those things. But perhaps she finds doing some work around the house to be therapeutic. Anyone else out there have similar experiences? Anyway, my job has allowed her to stay home for the past several years. I think there may be some feelings of guilt on her part about letting or otherwise telling me to do more around the house knowing I've worked hard all day, which not only meets our financial needs, but also allows her to stay home. I've often encouraged her to get over that and just "play along." But still, she manages to get much of the housework in herself.

Another thing I've been trying to do to assume more responsibility around the house is to organize my schedule in such a way that she can go to the gym each day and workout. My job allows me some flexibility in my schedule and my own workout schedule so I am able to do this. I also try to make it a point to always get dishes from the sink to the dishwasher, keep the dishwasher empty, wipe down counters, stove top, microwave, etc., before she has a chance to do it herself. My thinking here again is submission and service, trying to make her life easier since she spends her days at home raising our little one while I'm away at work getting "adult interaction" as she sometimes puts it. I also try to find ways to give her as much free time as possible where she can get away and get some "adult interaction" minus the little one.

All this being said, I still have the list she gave me earlier this week to work on. One item which she wanted to see done by today may be delayed due to technical difficulties. She is aware of and understands this but it will not change the fact that there will be no "release" until said list is finished. That being said, I better quit writing and get to back to work!